I took a leap of faith and landed on my face.

Ha! Despair, I spit in your face! Fuck you doubt. Hey self-pity, I slept with your girlfriend.

It was my decision. It was my fault. I Took A Risk And Failed, So What?

I just got off the phone with a collection agency looking for money I owe a credit card company. This money is 3 months past due. Therefore my debt gets the privilege of a higher interest rate and late fees. I like to punch walls while I talk to them.

Sometimes I wish I never quit my job at Imageland. Yeah, my boss was driving me mad and the workload was stressing my body to the point of having heart palpitations, but I would have had money. Money. Fuck. What an insane world.

The first thing that runs through my mind in these moments is: "Oh, poor me, if only...It's not fair...Oh my God, what the fuck am I going to do. this situation is hopeless...". Other times I can make myself blissfully ignorant as if these debts will disappear and stop bothering me like some annoying acquaintance you politely ignore.

I admit it; I have not been very good at planning. When I quit my job to freelance I did not realistically think out what would be required. I didn't have enough money to support myself, didn't have a clear plan of action and did not care! I just jumped ship with no map, no supplies, and hoped for the best.

However, I refuse to let this set-back slow me down. Usually I may mope around, sleep excessively or get drunk to ease the pain. Not this time. I'm putting decorations on the Christmas tree. There are few presents under it but it's making me feel better.

For some reason I have this paralyzing fear of paying off my debts. Maybe it's because it seems impossible, an insurmountable challenge. Maybe it's because I think that I would have no money, and I couldn't do anything, and my life would suck.

Anyway, I took a huge, uncalculated risk (or maybe calculated inside fanstasy land!), and I failed. Or did I? It sure feels like failure when you don't have any available money and the bill collector is calling you during the Bernie Mac show. I did fail, to some degree but at the same time I've learned so much.

So many people never take risks in their life. They just try not to rock the boat too much, and take the safe route, then die. Well I congratulate myself! Although, in hindsight what I did was foolish, at least I did it.

I must remember. I must not repeat the mistakes of the past anymore. I can fail again, but let's make them smaller, faster and right away, I want to get to the really good stuff.

I must keep moving.