Tuesday, December 04, 2007

So what have I been up to? Loosing weight, being frugal, "working" no more than nine hours a week, formulating my game plan, doing research, confronting my demons, cutting my hard exterior to try and bleed writing-art-creativity, taking on Bucky's challenge, starting more blogs and websites than I can handle, getting my dj thing going on, avoiding phone calls, reading reading reading.

It's been going pretty well, but some people are concerned about my well being. Let's look at it from another perspective. a few months ago I was miserable at my previous job. I was routinly working twelve hour days in an extemely stressful and unfullfilling environment. I had experienced what could be looked at as a nervous breakdown earlier in the year. I resorted to taking xanax and had to take a week off of doing NOTHING just to get by. All my dreams were passing me by. I took a lazy approach to looking for new work, or was it really that it was near-impossible to accomplish due to my circumstances? Either way, things were not working out.

Where I am right now, I'm in a grey area. Is it risky? Of couse it is. Is the potential payoff (emotionally, financialy, and quality of life) much higher. Definitly yes. Chances are being taken, but what the fuck is life if you don't? Ask Ben, who is voluntarily going to serve in Afganistan in a few months. I question that move, but hey - he's taking a risk, doing something different, stretching his capabilities and his reality. so many (most) people go through life without EVER taking a risk, or really going for what they want in life. I would rather go for it and fail miserably than to look back on a boring, safe life.

My recurring depression has almost completely faded away. It will come as a brief, easily adjusted mood swing lasting a few hours rather than days or months. I am more consccious of more areas of my life than I probably ever have been before. My clairity of purpose is becoming more obvious by the day.

My friend was asking me "when are you going to start looking for a real job?", something more permanant. I said I never want to go back to a real job again! It's too damn confining and limiting. You may be missing out on opportunities. After hearin this, I did a sweep of craigs list for jobs, and woul'nt you know it, there was a posting for pretty mch the exact job I have wanted for a long long time that I somehow missed in the run around I've been in for the last month trying to stay finacially aflot.

Oh well. It was not meant to be.

One thing I do know is that opportunity will always show up again. Pretty much on a daily basis if you keep ypur eyes peeled. I have a feeling that all of these almost grasped things that have not happened are for good reason. My sneaking susspision is that I need to learn to do it myself. Many of these jobs would have put me in a position that would have seeming satisfied my professional ambitions but at a cost of really earning it - REALLY knowing how to do it. Self sufficiancy.

Getting lost is sometimes the best way to find yourself.

I want to help make life better for the whole of mankind. I want to provide beauty, inspiration, innovation, creativity and an insanely higher standard of living for everyone at the expense of noone. I believe that there is more than enough to go around and that life can and will get so much better.


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